It is OK To Cut Toxic Family Members Out of Your Life

It is OK to Cut Toxic Family Out of Your Life

SGUK Episode 86

Published on March 2023

Introduction

The British Royal Family are promoted as the figurehead family for the UK. The family that represents what Great Britain stands for – at least that is the way the media describe them and how they set the tone of every article. Over its one thousand year history, the British Royal Family has been known to argue between themselves, and there has always been a scapegoat of each Royal family chosen and used as distraction, in order to make all the others look perfect, in whatever way the publicity methodology devised at the time was deemed appropriate. I don’t doubt that all Monarchies functioned in a similar way, but for this podcast we will stay with the UK example.

The topics that I touch upon in this podcast, in the main applies to any group of people that you regard as family. Family does not have to be blood relatives, and there is risk in regarding blood relatives, or whoever you regard as family, as being pivotal in the way you make decisions about your life. Like all relationships, much depends on the interaction between you and the family group, and dependant upon how that impacts your life in other ways, that relationship between different family members may vary, and could change over time. Time could span decades. All family groups have highs and lows, and most things can be sorted, however, if there have been experiences which have led to various forms of trauma, including experiences from childhood, the responses will vary as time moves on, and life experiences begin to cement certain conclusions in ones mind. Always remember, no one else can tell your story like you can with your lived experiences, and whatever decisions you make, they are yours to make. Well meaning family members, as well as friends, will have lots to say, with good intentions in most cases, but ultimately, the decision has to be yours. One thing that you need to be cognisant of, is not to make decisions based on how members in that family group, or one member in that family group, feels about your behaviour towards them, or your intention to change the rules of engagement in the future.

Blood is Not Thicker Than Peace of Mind

There are many phrases and verses and quotes re blood and family etc., one of them I particularly liked and it is this:-

Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs,

The ones who love to see you smile, and who love you no matter what”

When Your Family is a High Profile One

In the case of The Sussexes, so much has been written about and discussed in the media, both written and televised, since 2016, and all of it coming out of the UK is negative, and most of it speculation and some of it downright lies, but it sells copy – unlike in most nations, it is considered fair game to work that way in this country. Ie the UK. I would dearly love to see the same things done to all the high profile media people, who take great delight in working towards destroying their targets. Have those media individuals, have people hanging around outside the homes of friends and family and climbing fences, or cutting holes into fencing for the facilitation of a camera lense, and then for the said family members to give interviews about their interactions with the said media hacks and be paid for it too. Oh how wondrous that would be, but that is unlikely to happen, unless those media individuals are held accountable for what they write and say in front of cameras for notoriety and coins.

Both Harry and Meghan have toxic families. Both families have created toxic environments at various points in childhood for their children. Both families are in the media gaze for different reasons, but the glue that forms the chain that links them is the media, and the links on the chain are Harry and Meghan – in that order. By that I mean, both families are toxic, and neither know boundaries, and both families have been less than stellar in their children’s upbringing. Thank goodness for Meghan’s mother, and equally relatives on the maternal side of the crew.

In my opinion Meghan is much further along when it comes to having boundaries relating to her family and has stuck by them, and it seems that she is handling it well considering all the debris around them this last 6 years. I think Harry has much further to go, but I have faith he will succeed, not least because his role as a husband and father is pivotal to and for him. I do, however, also believe that it will take him some time to reach conclusions on various aspects of his family and their actions throughout his life, which continue today. I don’t know this couple, and I will never know this couple, my thoughts are based on my observations over the years, and my work as a qualified psychometric personality profile consultant by two renowned professional bodies, during my career as a Chartered Member of the IPD prior to retirement. Just need to make that clear, that I am not an expert, but I know far more than the Carnival of Experts wheeled out from under their stones, to utter complete nonsense about people they don’t know (just like I don’t know this couple) about topics that they are not qualified to discuss or reach conclusions on, but who do it with the agenda of spouting negative destructive information to media for coins.

How to Set Boundaries With a Family Member

This is an extract from an article, taken from a series called Drawing Lines written by Sara Radin in Allure, on November 13^th 2019. The powerful image below is the work of Stephanie DeAngelis

“It’s not uncommon to hear the word “boundaries” thrown around today, particularly in New York City, where many folks add in casual conversation that they see a therapist. But when we talk about boundaries, we’re usually referring to them as they relate to romantic and sexual relationships and less so our families. Yet familial boundaries often set the tone for how we view relationships of all kinds throughout our lives.”

When boundaries are blurry in our younger years it can be hard to recognize healthy ones, which makes it more difficult to set them in our adult lives. Boundaries allow us to exist as individuals who are part of a larger social community, “Good boundaries should be a part of every relationship, personally and professionally,” says MacMillan.”

“In order to develop good boundaries, we need to recognize what we want or need in certain situations. “In instances where our boundaries have not been respected or heard, this can be difficult to identify because we may not realize that we have a ‘right’ to set boundaries in the first place,” says Juli Fraga, a licensed psychologist based in San Francisco, who focuses on women’s health and wellness.”

How might a person’s upbringing affect the way in which they set boundaries?

Children tend to model the behaviour of their caregiver (or caregivers), so consider what this means for those of us who grew up in a dysfunctional home. When proper communication patterns aren’t developed, one often can’t help but re-create those toxic relationships in adulthood: Dysfunction equals love. “This may lead you to believe that you have zero power to set boundaries because no one will adhere to them,” according to Fraga.”

On the other hand, some who grew up without a good model for boundaries may use them as a way to obtain power over others. “People growing up in traumatic homes often feel out-of-control and as a result may also grow up to be overly controlling with others as a way to maintain some sense of safety,” says Patrice N. Douglas, a marriage and family therapist based in California.

This can cause codependency issues or a lack of ability to assert one’s needs, which in turn allows fewer opportunities for authentic connection and warmth — two things that are necessary for the growth of healthy relationships. “

How Do You Set Boundaries With Toxic People

An extract from another reference source listed below.

It isnt easy to set boundaries with toxic people, but its something we can all learn to do and when we do, its empowering.

Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. When we set boundaries, were less angry and resentful because our needs are getting met. Boundaries make our expectations clear, so others know what to expect from us and how we want to be treated. Boundaries are the foundation of happy, healthy relationships.

Ideally, people will respect our boundaries when we communicate them clearly. But we all know that some people will do everything they can to resist our efforts to set boundaries; they will argue, blame, ignore, manipulate, threaten, or physically hurt us. And while we cant prevent people from acting like this, we can learn to set clear boundaries and take care of ourselves.”

“We don’t get to choose our family

We get to choose our friends, and if we have a falling out, we can end the friendship, but families are different in that we don’t get to pick our family and for good or bad they will always be attached to us in some way. Every family has its problems, and there are many ways that relationships and communication between family members can become less than ideal.

Red flags of toxic family dynamics

An environment that includes blaming, punishing, controlling, criticism, dismissal, or any form of abuse may be red flags that indicate a toxic family dynamic.

Sometimes family members may start blaming other people for their problems and not taking accountability if the problems are their fault. They usually see themselves as the victim and refuse to accept any accountability for mistakes or wrongdoing. Others may not even know they’re misplacing blame and may need to be corrected.

Often the blame is accompanied by a punishment. Don’t confuse punishment with discipline. Discipline is meant to teach a child right from wrong. When a child performs an undesirable trait, they need to be corrected. Sometimes, discipline is enforced through punishment, such as grounding a child.

Toxic punishment is when there is no lesson being taught. Some parents will punish children because they’re having a bad day and a child unintentionally said something to make them angrier so they respond excessively and the punishment doesn’t fit the offense.

In your adulthood, if your parent is still trying to punish you, such as not talking to you when you do something they don’t like, then it’s toxic behaviour.

They Are Controlling

Here are a few signs of a controlling family member.

They are always meddling in your adult life, and they won’t stop bothering you about your decisions despite the fact that you’ve told them your two cents.
They used money or another offer to try to control you.
They install tracking apps on your devices without you knowing.
They control every move you make, even down to how you dress or look.
They may make threats all the time as a means to control you.

Abuse in any form is unacceptable. Not all abuse is physical or sexual. Abuse may also be mental or emotional. Psychological abuse involves a person’s attempts to frighten, control, or isolate you. It’s in the abuser’s words and actions, as well as their persistence in these behaviours.

How to Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members

Very short extract from an edition of Psychology Today, written by Rachell Zoffness. Complete article in the reference sources.

1.Value yourself and your time. You’re important and deserve to be treated well. Actively opt to surround yourself with people who build you up instead of tearing you down. Imagine what your life would be like if you exclusively spent time with people who adored and valued you?

Give yourself permission to do what’s best for you. It’s important to have healthy boundaries, regardless of whether or not others understand and accept them. Limiting time with toxic people is an act of self-love.
Know your triggers and anticipate them. Always be one step ahead of your triggers by knowing: a) what they are, b) what emotions arise, c) how to best take care of them, and d) how you’ll plan to respond once triggered.
Be clear about your needs and communicate them.Identify your needs and boundaries in advance. You may ultimately decide that you don’t want to have a relationship with an abusive family member at all. And while that may be very painful, that’s okay, too. It’s your life and your precious time. Once you’ve identified your limits, communicate them clearly and kindly.
Practice saying no.I have a client who, as a people-pleaser who hates disappointing others, finds it hard to say no – especially to his family. He notes that some “no’s” are more difficult than others: “soft no’s” are easier than “hard no’s.” A “soft no” leaves room for a potential “yes” in the future: “Hard no’s” are firm and finite. Setting limits not only makes you feel stronger because you’re standing up for yourself, but it communicates to others that you know your needs and aren’t scared to state them. As uncomfortable as setting them maybe, boundaries are good for relationships, not bad.
Make a list of coping strategies.Make a list of coping strategiesin advance of a triggering event that will help you get through. These can include: going for a walk, having a designated friend to whom you can vent, carving out alone-time, joining an online support group, getting a therapist, lifting weights, journaling, meditating, bringing a friend along for support, or skipping it altogether…

Your time is yours, holidays or not. Set boundaries. Take care of yourself. You are worth it.

Trauma Bonding

What is Trauma Bonding? An extract from Medical News Today. Listed in the sources below.

Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. It occurs when the abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the person who abuses them.

The person experiencing abuse may develop sympathy for the abusive person, which becomes reinforced by cycles of abuse, followed by remorse. Stockholm syndrome is one type of trauma bonding.

A trauma bond is a connection between an abusive person and the individual they abuse. It typically occurs when the abused person begins to develop sympathy or affection for the abuser.

This bond can develop over days, weeks, or months. Not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond.

Stockholm syndrome is a specific type of trauma bond. While this term typically refers to someone who is captive developing positive feelings for their captors, this dynamic can occur in other situations and relationships.

Humans form attachments as a means of survival. Babies become attached to the parents or caregivers whom they depend on, and adults form attachments to others who provide comfort or support.

When someone’s main source of support is also their abuser, a trauma bond can develop. An abused person may turn to the abusive person for comfort when they are hurt, even if the other person was the one who caused it. NB My thoughts on this area of the article. When looking at the UK Royal Family and the way it is set up whereby the Monarch and the eldest son have control of the purse strings, and in so doing, pretty much control the destiny and type of lifestyle of their family members and the wider Royal family. So, when you hear or read the words such as “main source of support” can also be their abuser – think of the things that both the current Monarch and his eldest son have done to Harry and Meghan since 2016. I don’t need to list them here, but abuse of various types is on the list, and I consider the Royal Rota crew part of this scenario too, not least because they are acting on behalf of the BRF by pursuing a non working Royal and one who is independently funded and living on another continent, and most importantly has no contractual obligations to cover and report on anything that Harry and Meghan do. All of these actions by BRF and RRs are abuse under the banner of Coercive Control, which is the key theme in the Sussex Global UK Human Rights Campaign.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

Dependence

A person may develop a trauma bond because they rely on the abusive person to fulfill emotional needs.

For example, a child relies on their parent or caregiver for love and support. If that caregiver is abusive, the child may come to associate love with abuse. Believing that this association is normal, the child may be unable to see the abusive caregiver as “bad.”

The child may instead blame themselves for the abuse as a way of making sense of what is happening to them. This allows the caregiver to continue being “good” in the child’s eyes, which reinforces their bond.

Cycle of abuse

Some abusive relationships follow a pattern of abuse, then remorse.

After causing harm, an abusive person may promise to change. Some may be especially kind or romantic to make up for their behaviour.

This gives the abused person hope that their suffering will end and that they will one day receive the love or connection that the perpetrator has promised. The person experiencing the abuse may see suffering as a price to pay for kindness.

Remorseful behaviour may also cause the abused person to feel grateful, particularly if they have become accustomed to poor treatment. This reinforces the bond.

Signs of trauma bonding

The main sign that a person has bonded with an abuser is that they try to justify or defend the abuse. They may also:

agree with the abusive person’s reasons for treating them badly
try to cover for the abusive person
argue with or distance themselves from people trying to help, such as friends, family members, or neighbours
become defensive or hostile if someone intervenes and attempts to stop the abuse, such as a bystander or police officer
be reluctant or unwilling to take steps to leave the abusive situation or break the bond

A person bonded with their abuser might say, for example:

“He is only like that because he loves me so much — you would not understand.”
“It is my fault — I make them angry.”

It is worth noting that these feelings of attachment do not necessarily end when the person leaves the harmful situation. A person may still feel loyal or loving toward the person who abused them or feel tempted to return.

Breaking a trauma bond

Breaking a trauma bond can be challenging and may take time, but it is possible. The National Domestic Violence Hotline suggest that people:

Focus on the present: Hope that an abusive person will change or nostalgia for good times in the past can keep people in their trauma bonds. Try to acknowledge what is currently happening and the impact that it has by pausing to reflect on it. If it is safe to do so, keep a diary.
Focus on the evidence: If a person continues to abuse or takes no steps to get help, stay focused on this, rather than on their promises about the future.
Practice positive self-talk: Abuse can lower a person’s self-esteem and make them feel that they cannot be without the abusive person. Noticing negative self-talk and challenging with positive alternatives can start to change this.
Practice self-care: Taking care of oneself may help relieve some stress and reduce the desire to turn to an abusive person for comfort. Journaling, meditation, exercise, hobbies, prayer, or talking to trusted friends can help.

Safety planning

Safety plans include personalized steps that an individual can take to protect themselves physically and emotionally. The plan may include:

safe places where someone can go to protect themselves, children, or pets from violence
names and contact information for people who provide support
information about local organizations and services
a way to gather evidence of the abuse, such as a journal with events and dates that a person keeps in a safe place
a plan to leave, considering factors such as money, a safe place to live, and work
a plan for staying safe after leaving, which may include changing locks and phone numbers, altering working hours, and pursuing legal action

Breaking the Trauma Bond of Narcissistic Parent/s

When you’ve been raised by a narcissistic parent, your sense of “normal family life” can be tragically skewed. You may not be totally sure that your own childhood and adolescence were different until you reach adulthood and are able to gain distance and perspective on what exactly was “wrong” in your household.

Unfortunately, many true narcissists do not have the self-awareness necessary to recognize that their behaviour doesn’t fit with normal expectations regarding behavior exhibited by fully functioning adults. They have developed the traits associated with narcissism over many years and when others in their orbit didn’t play by the narcissist’s rules, they replaced them with someone who would be a better sidekick. Thus, their behaviours have been reinforced through their relationships rather than extinguished.

For these parents, having a child assert their independence, no matter how old the child might be, may rank among the most excruciating narcissistic injuries they may suffer. But remembering that narcissists don’t actually “feel” emotions the way other people do may provide you with the support you need to finally break the unhealthy bond that keeps you from asserting your independence and living the type of life that you deserve.

Breaking the Trauma Bond

A trauma bond is the type of emotional attachment that forms between abusers and victims (Casassa, Knight, & Mengo, 2021). This type of bond describes the attachment between narcissistic parents and their children and these attachments can maintain their grip even as children grow into adults. The hallmark traits that identify trauma bonds include an imbalance in power between the parent and child; a mixed pattern of both negative and positive engagement from the parent; a confusing experience for the child in that they are grateful for the parent’s positive attention, but also feel responsible for and deserving of blame for any negative attention; and a child’s shaping of their self-esteem filtered through their perceptions of their parent’s esteem for the child.

When you are ready to begin untangling yourself from the trauma bond between yourself and your narcissistic parent, accept that this may be much harder than you have planned. Perhaps even more than any other person in a narcissist’s life, they may perceive a child of any age as a possession to which they have total rights of ownership. You are a prized supply to their narcissism and to remove yourself from their hold and to establish yourself as a fully independent and separate individual is one of the most significant narcissistic injuries that your parent might suffer. Because of the magnitude of the injury, finding your way out of the bond may be hindered by the efforts of your parent to maintain their unhealthy hold on you. Don’t let yourself be deterred by the drama that your parent creates around your actions to cut yourself out of the narcissist’s Gordian knot. Every point of engagement is more fuel for the narcissist’s pathological behaviour.

How to Separate Without Harming Yourself

Create boundaries that you are willing and able to maintain. Isolating your parent from your life is not always easy depending on the level of obligation and guiltthey have instilled in you. Recognize that less opportunities for contact translate into more opportunities to build a healthier sense of self and healthier relationships with others.
When your parent attempts to cross a boundary or draw you back into their twisted bonds, keep up your guard and refuse to engage emotionally. Admitting that your parent’s behaviour is affecting you is feeding the narcissist. Refuse to serve as the supply for their power and pain games.
When narcissists throw grown-up temper tantrums or make threats, treat them as you would a small child engaging in those behaviours – you don’t give into their demands and you also rely on logical or natural consequences for misbehaviour in children, too. Let your parents know your limits and the potential consequences if they try and push past them – and enforce the consequences. (“My family and I will be heading home if you continue to insult/threaten/tease me/us in this way.”)
If any contact is too much contact, go “no contact.” Some people feel this is too extreme for their situation, but it is necessary for others. Going “no contact” can leave some individuals feeling like an orphan of sorts, but it allows for the creation of a “family of choice,” where relationships are built on mutuality and respect.
If “no contact” is a no-go, consider using the “grey rock” technique – when in the company of the narcissist, engage only from the neck up – don’t risk being vulnerable or engaging your feelings or heart. Rather than investing in a conversation, keep your responses brief, noncommittal, and devoid of feelings or questions. Avoid eye contact, too. Keep to mundane topics, like the weather or other factual topics. Don’t express opinions or ask questions. Unfortunately, this type of non-engaged interaction requires you to stifle your own normal reactions, which can be a challenge in itself. Grey rocking is a technique for specific situations with specific individuals – not a healthy way to engage with those who care about you or with whom you want to maintain or deepen intimate relationships.

Nb This last section is another article from Psychology Today written by Chloe Williams dated 13^th May 2021. Full article listed below.

Conclusion

One would think that a narcissistic parent would stand out in a crowd, but this is not true. Narcissists go to great lengths to look and act as good parents in public, all the while mistreating their children at home.

To help in recognizing a narcissistic parent, please see the list below.

Always needing everything to be about them.
Brags to others about their children’s accomplishments but not to their children.
Always blames others for the problems that result from their bad behavior.
Uses guilt copiously and brags about how much they do for you.
Utilizes any of three manipulative behaviors, blaming, shaming, and guilt-tripping
Uses negative comparisons about one child against another
Places unrealistic pressure on their children to succeed so they will look good
Manipulates by way of rewards and punishments
Uses emotional coercion to force their children to measure up to their expectations

The list above does not begin to cover the ways narcissistic parents can harm their children.

The Healing Journey to Overcome Narcissistic Parents

Healing from narcissistic abuse that occurred in childhood is an arduous and complicated road. However, if one wishes to live a full and happy life, then you must begin to work on the issues caused by the narcissist.

It may be necessary to maintain a distance and have no contact with the narcissistic parent. This may seem harsh, but until you get your sea legs, it may be the best thing you can do for yourself. Beware, the narcissist in your life will become infuriated by your standing up for yourself. Still, they will get over it in time. Remember, their focus is on themselves, not you.

Below we will discuss four of the steps to moving toward emotional independence and healing.

Acknowledge the abuse that happened. This is perhaps the most painful part of healing. No one wants to admit to themselves that their parent did not love them but used them for their own ends. However, it is vital to recognize that your parent did not treat you well. Acknowledging narcissistic abuse happened gives one the power to knock down the barriers that have held you back for so long.
Prepare yourself for some strong emotions. The trauma bond with a narcissistic parent is toxic, and breaking that trauma bond will set you up for a boiler room of emotions. These emotions might include:

Grief
Loss
Anger
Shock
Sadness
Depression
Anxiety
Shame
Paranoia

It is imperative to remember that these strong emotions will pass as you gain more insight into who you are without your narcissist’s influence.

Set firm boundaries and stick with them. If you do not have the privilege of distancing yourself from your narcissistic parent, it is vital to set impermeable limits with them. All through childhood, the narcissist has walked all over any boundaries you may have tried to set. Now is the time to build some barriers over which the narcissist or anyone for that matter may not cross. This step is scary as children of narcissists want to please their parents, but keep reminding yourself you cannot please them. Setting firm boundaries is essential to move toward independence.
Seek professional help. Do not be afraid to reach out to a mental health professional for advice dealing with the emotional damages done by a narcissistic parent. The emotions that may overcome you when healing will be intense and could lead to substance abuse, or worse, suicidal thoughts. With the help of a competent therapist, there is no reason you cannot heal and achieve a sense of peace in your life.

As one might see, recovery from narcissistic abuse is not fun, nor is it for the faint of heart. Nor does healing from the life damages done by a narcissistic parent happen overnight. It takes time and self-care to accomplish healing and become who you were always meant to be.

This is an extract from the CPTSD Foundation. Details and resource materials are available on the website listed below. If you are wondering what CPTSD stands for, it is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

To bring this podcast to an end, a reminder to think of Harry and Meghan and their respective families when reading or listening to these topics. Here are a few more relevant quotes on blood being thicker than water.

Sometimes blood isn’t thicker than water and

Family will cross you quicker than strangers.

Blood is thicker than water but that

Does not mean blood cannot drown you just the same

Blood is thicker than water but you can drown in either

Blood is thicker than water but family isn’t just about blood. Family is about faith

And loyalty, and who you love. If you don’t have those things I don’t care

What the blood says, you are not family.

Whatever Harry and Meghan decide to do in relation to their family members, it is their business not mine. My thoughts, like anyone other than The Sussexes have no business placing expectations on the couple relating to the decisions they make on any subject. We know our families but we do not know theirs. We have no idea of the relationships and ties that exist within the plantation behind gilded gates. I know what I would do in certain situations, and my choices would not be everyone else’s in the same circumstances. The thing to remember is to respect someone else’s choices in life. We can voice our opinions to people we know, but ultimately they have to reach certain conclusions on various behavours for themselves.

We cannot and should not voice our opinions on people we do not know about their life choices. Have an opinion by all means, but the cruel games being played by BRF and its media and pals, is a deliberate ploy to create activity which in itself generates income for the media, and interest in a family who are fast going down the plug holes of life and support is falling fast. That being said, I could post that on social media platforms, but I would never dictate what someone else should do. As things stand, I don’t post my thoughts on a range of things, let alone tell someone else what they should do. I just ensure that I do not promote the contrived drama to encourage clicks for income. I go out of my way to ensure that the group of toxic clowns with apparent expertise in various topics, do not earn money from my posting on any social media platform.

I have views on the forthcoming Coronation, and I have expressed those to a limited group of people. At no point have I advised what Harry and Meghan should do, and regardless of what they do, my support for them will still stand. In accordance with what I always do, when it comes to Royal events, I do not watch them, and I wont be watching in May, regardless of who attends or not. I am happy to read about it on social media platforms when the event it over, when I can pick and choose the minutes or seconds of footage that I will watch if the Sussexes attend. Otherwise, I will do what I have always done, and that is find something else to do, when those type of events are dominating our screens. I plan to cut my lawn with scissors, or an activity with similar slow processes to fill the 3 days. Royal life and events have never interested me, and this UK Royal family have no chance in Hades of getting me to change my mind. It is a part of history that I do not need to see, or tell my grandchildren about in the future.

Ivy Barrow

19^th March 2023

Reference Sources

https://www.allure.com/story/toxic-family-how-create-boundaries

https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2020/04/how-to-set-boundaries-with-toxic-people

https://hopeforhealingfoundation.org/toxic-family-dynamics-how-to-establish-healthy-boundaries/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pain-explained/201912/how-set-boundaries-family

https://marinamasinde.medium.com/blood-aint-thicker-than-your-peace-of-mind-f8855067b2ad

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201706/the-truth-about-abusers-abuse-and-what-do

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding#:~:text=Trauma%20bonding%20is%20a%20psychological%20response%20to%20abuse.,reinforced%20by%20cycles%20of%20abuse%2C%20followed%20by%20remorse.

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/children-australia/article/abs/stockholm-syndrome-in-athletics-a-paradox/DD5E8799C18FEA1A777AC03E6B8B04A6 An article Cambridge News Press, re research into Stockholm Syndrome – for further reading if you would like additional information on this subject.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202109/what-is-trauma-bonding