SGUK Episode 171
24th Aug 2025
What Survivors Need and What Institutions Keep Missing
(Survivors of Coercive Control Abuse)
Introduction
At the heart of the forthcoming book is the recognition that Meghan Sussex – despite her global platform and resources – has endured relentless psychological warfare and coercive control since 2016, causing her and Prince Harry to leave not only the institution of Monarchy but an entire continent. If such treatment can be directed at a woman with visibility and support, the implication for women and children without resources are devastating. Every day countless survivors and victims face coercive behaviour in their homes, workplaces and communities, many are under the age of 18 and far too many are no longer with us.
This research demonstrates that coercive control is not new. While the legal term was only formalised in recent years, the evidence of such abuse stretches back centuries. By documenting Meghan’s treatment alongside historical and legal case studies, the forthcoming book brings global attention to a continuum of abuse and argues for urgent reform. Its aim is not only literary contribution but also to spark dialogue within national and international law about how coercive control can be better recognised and prevented.
Here is an extract (there are few coming up in this podcast from survivors and consultants and many more as you will see in the reference sources listed at the end of this article. First quote:-
“Situated historically, the See the Signs campaign can be read as the culmination of decades of theorising about ‘coercive control,’ commonly defined as a ‘course of conduct aimed at dominating and controlling another (usually an intimate partner, but can be other family members) and is almost exclusively perpetrated by men against women’.2 Theories of coercive control emerged as part of wider knowledge production about domestic violence from the 1970s onwards, including via victims and survivors sharing details of their experiences and from the other direction, from men’s counselling and behavioural change programmes. It was not until this century, however, that ‘coercive control’ moved to the foreground of domestic violence discourse and policy, with the publication of what is widely considered to be the authoritative text, Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life (2007) by American forensic social worker and sociologist Evan Stark and the introduction of the criminalisation of coercive controlling behaviour in England and Wales in 2015, in Scotland in 2018 and Ireland in 2019
In ‘marked contrast to the BWS defence’, Stark took ‘women’s attempts at autonomy’ as the starting point ‘from which the coercive control theory reframes battering relationships in terms of progressive entrapment’.Footnote54 Making the case for his ‘alternative framework’ of coercive control as applicable to civil and criminal law cases, and to any woman’s circumstances, regardless of whether she met the ‘Victorian standard’ of womanhood that informed the BWS
Coercive control, wrote Stark, entails a malevolent course of conduct that subordinates women to an alien will by violating their physical integrity (domestic violence), denying them respect and autonomy (intimidation), depriving them of social connectedness (isolation) and appropriating or denying them access to the resources required for personhood and citizenship (control).
Stark’s associated claim that ‘nothing men experience in the normal course of their everyday lives resembles this conspicuous form of subjugation’ has been tested since, as have many other aspects of his theorising (including the distinction he made between ‘domestic violence’ and ‘coercive control’) that are beyond of the scope of this article to address.Footnote60 Until his death in March 2024, Stark was an active participant in coercive control theory, revising and adjusting some of his earlier arguments in dialogue with others, and in response to developments such as the criminalisation of coercive control in various jurisdictions.Footnote61 While the US-centrism of his framing of coercive control as a ‘liberty crime’ has been widely noted, and while his theorising emerged from his activism and his forensic social work, it was in the United Kingdom where his work has had the most impact, if legislation is taken as the key indicator. His human rights framing has also arguably been better appreciated in Europe than in the United States.Footnote62
The Non Physical Behaviour Model
Evan Stark’s 2007 book Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life is arguably the single most significant work marking the rise to prominence of coercive control in policy and practice around DVA. Stark sought to position coercive control as a ‘liberty crime’, defining it as ‘a strategic course of oppressive conduct’ intended to ‘intimidate, degrade, isolate, and control victims’ (Stark, 2012, p. 18). Stark sub-divides the tactics deployed by abusers into those relating to coercion (physical and sexual violence; intimidation, threats and degradation) and those relating to control (isolation; exploitation and deprivation; micro-regulation of everyday behaviour). He suggests that while physical violence in the context of coercive control can be severe, it is more frequently less severe but repeated, and that there are a significant minority of cases in which there will be little or no physical violence. This position is consistent with the Duluth model which positions (the threat of) physical and sexual violence as framing and reinforcing the core non-physical behaviours of coercive control. Stark (2012) also suggests coercive control is a highly personalised form of DVA, with intimacy and proximity affording the perpetrator the opportunity to refine abusive tactics to target a victim’s personal vulnerabilities. He suggests further that the abusive tactics employed in coercive control operate frequently through the lens of gender inequality, focusing on how women ‘perform gender roles they inherit by default’ (Stark, 2012, p. 207).
Crucially, then, coercive control presents an alternative to what Stark (2012, p. 200) calls the ‘violent incident model’. The theory recognises victim-survivors’ experiences of their abuse as continuous and multi-faceted, as opposed to a series of discrete or time-bound acts of physical assault or psychological aggression. Kirkwood (1993, p. 58) described a ‘web’ of abuse where ‘the components are interwoven in such a way that they comprise a whole which has properties beyond merely the sum ot those individual components’. Similarly, Pitman (2017) presented a model called ‘the trap’which involves multiple and overlaying strands of abuse. Coercive control recognises that abuse can be a course of conduct, traversing time and space, rather than a time- bound incident or series of incidents ot abusive acts. It recognises the range of abusive tactics and behaviours experienced by victims, and acknowledges that, for some, the harm associated with multiple non-physical abusive behaviours is more severe than the harm inflicted by discrete physical assaults (see the next section). It is a theory borne out of advocacy and support work with female victim-survivors and thus reflects their lived experiences of DVA.
Legislation Lagging Behind Social Reality
An impact on the most recent which show that there were only 235 successful coercive control prosecutions last year, in the context of an estimated 1.3 million women who experienced domestic abuse. However, a new paper in the Howard Journal of Crime and Justice suggests that the picture on the ground is more complicated. It also argues that urgent training is needed if section 76 is to reach its undoubtedly progressive potential.
Analysis of data from interviews and focus groups with survivors, their closest advisors, and police shows that section 76 has the potential to change the way the criminal justice system deals with domestic abuse radically and for the better. This will only be possible, however, if police, CPS and the judiciary are trained to understand the dynamics of coercive control. Last year, the World Health Organisation declared that domestic abuse is an international emergency. An approach to the prosecution of domestic abuse that is informed by the theory of coercive control could help keep women safe. Change is needed. Rhetorical intent in the context of domestic abuse is a good start. Compulsory training in coercive control for all key criminal justice agents would help make this intent an operational success story.
Why The UK Criminalised Coercive Control Abusive Behaviour
“Coercive control” is the label domestic abuse experts give to the experience that Curtis, a 38-year-old safety specialist on the U.K.’s railways, endured. It encompasses a series of non-physical behaviors — including threats, humiliation, monitoring and isolation from friends and family — that they say can be just as damaging as physical violence, often causing severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. In 2015, England and Wales became the first nations in the world to criminalize such controlling behavior within relationships, making coercive control punishable by up to five years in jail. Women make up 95% of those who experience coercive control and 74% of perpetrators are men, according to a study by one U.K. police force.
Curtis began taking notes about the abuse, saving text messages, phone records and even filming her husband’s outbursts. She left him last June, and in October, he was sentenced to two years in prison after pleading guilty to a charge of coercive control. Her case marks an early victory for England and Wales’ legislation.
For decades, law enforcement agencies worldwide have seen domestic abuse almost exclusively in physical terms, measuring its severity in individual beatings and injuries. The 1994 federal Violence Against Women Act in the U.S., for example, criminalizes only “felony or misdemeanor crimes of violence” in domestic contexts.
In this corner of the world, though, policymakers are trying something new. Ireland and Scotland followed England and Wales with their own coercive control laws in January and April of this year. By criminalizing behaviors many previously considered merely unpleasant, domestic abuse advocates hope these laws will transform how society views acceptable power dynamics in relationships and how we tackle abuse. “We’re beginning to understand that it isn’t about one-off incidents. Abuse is a pattern, a war of attrition that wears a person down,” says Laura Richards, a British criminal behavioral analyst who helped pass the 2015 law after nearly two decades working in the domestic abuse sector. “Coercive control is the very heart of it.”
How Silence, Shame and Respectability Politics Uphold Abuse
Extract from a Survivor. The article was written in 2016, and the publication no longer exists, however, the article is so powerful, I have included a part of it here, and the reference to read the whole article is listed below.
Extract:-
It’s a problem of epidemic proportions because it has an impact on all of us. What makes it “silent” is our inability or unwillingness to talk openly about shame and explore the ways in which it affects our individual lives, our families, our communities and society. Our silence has actually forced shame underground, where it now permeates our personal and public lives in destructive and insidious ways.
Four years ago I graduated from Rutgers University with a Master’s degree in art history. I was surrounded on that sunny day by my family, including my fiancé and my soon-to-be stepdaughter. I was one of the first kids in my family to go to college, and this felt like my greatest accomplishment yet. But when I look at photos from that day — my fiancé’s daughter grinning and wearing my mortarboard, my father standing gravely with a bouquet of flowers — I feel not pride or nostalgia, but shame.
Several months later, I would shove as many things as I could carry into large plastic trash bags, grab my cat, and get into a car with my mother, only returning to that house once, briefly, in order to pick up the rest of my things. But even though I got out, the shame lingers, poisoning even my happy memories. Like many survivors of abuse, I wonder: did I put up with it for too long? Was it somehow my fault?
In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t), author and speaker Brené Brown calls shame a “silent epidemic”:
Brown says that shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. It’s no wonder, then, that people who have endured abuse at the hands of an intimate partner are so likely to feel ashamed about it. Abusers thrive on secrecy, silence, and judgment, too. They rely on planting the very feelings that nourish shame.
My ex-fiance was a master gaslighter, which is to say that he thoroughly manipulated me into questioning my own sanity and perception of reality in the course of our relationship. He was adept at making me believe the problems in our relationship were my fault. He went to great lengths to distance me from family and friends so that the only support that I perceived for myself was him. He made me feel small. He made me feel useless. This, in turn, made me feel ashamed — and that shame did his work for him. Shame made me doubt myself; it tricked me into believing that everything he said about me was true. Once he began nurturing an environment that encouraged shame, I was less likely to put up a fight.
For the last nine months of our relationship I thought daily about leaving, but was held in place by the paralyzing fear of what other people would think of me should I break off the engagement. Coupled with the bond that I had formed with my stepdaughter, that fear kept me nailed in place throughout the summer that followed our engagement.
After I left my fiancé and his daughter, I did not stay at my parents’ house; I preferred to couch-surf rather than grapple with the fallout of that relationship in front of the people who loved me. Eventually, shame drove me into a shell of a home that a friend had purchased with the intent of renovating it for his family. I would live out the winter there without heat or most basic amenities. I chose to be alone and miserable rather than show myself to others. I was sick more times that winter than I had ever been in my life. Not once did I consider reaching out for safe housing or a place to land.
Shame carves deep scars in people who have endured psychological abuse, myself included. In fact, I didn’t even acknowledge that what happened to me was abuse. That word in itself is filled with shame. Using it feels like you are invoking something bigger than yourself. Calling it abuse felt like I was making a big deal out of the situation, making excuses for myself, asking for attention I didn’t deserve. I told myself other people had endured so much worse than I had. I told myself it wasn’t that bad. I was ashamed of the abuse, but I was also ashamed to think of myself as a victim.
Shame is not easily shaken off. In fact, it can affect the core perception of ourselves and our identity. People who have experienced traumatic events may rewrite their self-perception to include feelings of disgust and humiliation, as well as negative comparisons of themselves with other people. Acute, chronic shame can erode self-esteem in ongoing and destructive ways.
Even now, I cannot banish the shame. As survivors of emotional abuse, the language of shame perfectly echoes the language used by our abusers. It tells us what they told us: that no one will believe us. That we aren’t worthy of support and compassion. That we aren’t just people who make mistakes, but rather that we are, at our very core, mistakes in and of ourselves. Shame tells you that, if you are truly seen, the world will judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. It tells you that you are unworthy of acceptance and belonging. It tells you lies. And even knowing what a liar shame is, I still fear the effects of allowing this part of myself to be seen.
The False Perception of Neutrality in institutions (Law, Media, Monarchy)
Abstract
Coercive control is harmful behaviour recently criminalized in England and Wales. The extent to which the work of practitioners is informed by an understanding of coercive control therefore requires investigation. Using data from two mixed methods multi-site studies, this article suggests that practitioners’ recognition of coercive control does not seem to be universally poor or skilled, but rather depends on the characteristics of the situation itself, the organizational context in which practitioners work and the stage at which they are evaluating whether coercive control is present. The absence of a clear understanding of the importance of coercive control when making judgements about victims and perpetrators has serious implications for the efficacy of current approaches to domestic abuse. Purposeful and systematic efforts to support practitioners to recognize and respond effectively to coercive control are required.
Abstract
Coercive control is characterised by negative behaviours which intimidate, threaten, and humiliate a person or restrict a person’s liberty. In addition to being a known risk factor for experiencing other forms of violence, research has linked coercive control to symptoms of psychological distress and suicidality. In the UK, coercive and controlling behaviours within intimate and familial relationships have been legislated as offending behaviours. However, there still exists a lack of international evidence on wider public knowledge and understanding of coercive control. The Northern Ireland Life and Times Survey (NILT) is an annual cross-sectional representative survey of social policy topics. Participants are adults aged 18 years or over. Concerning coercive control, respondents were presented with two relationship scenarios: obvious and less obvious coercive control. Following each scenario, respondents indicated their level of agreement to ten statements covering attitudes towards coercive control, victims of coercive control, talking about coercive control, and whether coercive control is a crime. Respondents indicated whether they had heard of the term ‘coercive control’. Predictors of coercive control awareness were assessed using multinomial logistic regression. Mixed analysis of variance assessed if agreement levels to the ten statements varied by type of coercive control and victim gender. Most respondents said that they had heard of the term coercive control and knew what it meant. Those who had not heard of coercive control at all were more likely to be on a lower income, less qualified and younger, when compared to those who said they knew what the term meant. Significant interactions between coercive control type and victim gender were evident for all ten statements. While most respondents are aware of the term coercive control, a significant number have not and are therefore unlikely to recognise the signs of this type of abuse.
Survivors of Coercive Control Abuse – As Invisible Architects of Their Own Escape
When we think of abuse, we often picture physical violence — but some of the most damaging forms of abuse leave no bruises. Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that strips away a person’s autonomy, safety, and sense of self, often long before they realize what’s happening. It’s subtle, manipulative, and deeply psychological. As a trauma therapist, I’ve worked with countless survivors who blamed themselves for “overreacting” — when in truth, they were trapped in a dynamic designed to confuse and control them. With the right support, including online therapy and tools like EMDR, healing and freedom are possible.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that uses manipulation, isolation, intimidation, and gaslighting to dominate another person. It’s often present in domestic violence relationships — but can also show up in family dynamics, workplaces, and spiritual communities.
It Can Look Like:
- Controlling what you wear, eat, or who you see
- Monitoring your phone, email, or social media
- Constant criticism or demeaning comments
- Making you doubt your memory or sanity (gaslighting)
- Financial control — restricting access to money or demanding full transparency
- Threats to harm you, your reputation, or loved ones if you leave
- Making you feel like you are the abuser when you express distress
Why It’s Hard to See
Because coercive control doesn’t leave physical scars, many survivors struggle to name it as abuse. Abusers often frame their behaviour as “love,” “protection,” or “concern,” making victims feel guilty or ungrateful for questioning it.
What Coercive Control Looks Like – 20 Real-Life Examples from Victims
September 8, 2024 – BySamara Knight
Coercive control is often subtle and insidious, making it difficult for victims to recognize and explain to others. Unlike overt physical abuse, coercive control slowly chips away at a person’s sense of self through emotional manipulation, isolation, and the erosion of personal freedoms. Victims often feel trapped in a web of rules that shift and change, making it impossible to predict what will set their abuser off.
Coercive Control in Daily Life
Coercive control takes many forms: limiting freedom of movement, monitoring communications, financial control, and undermining self-worth. Over time, victims lose not only their autonomy but also their identity. Here, survivors of coercive control share their personal experiences, offering insight into what coercive control really looks like and how this form of abuse can affect every facet of life.
- Undermining My Confidence
“He would scream in my face until I couldn’t argue back anymore. Then, if I made a minor mistake, like folding a towel the ‘wrong’ way, he’d explode, calling me an awful person. No apology was ever good enough for him, and I eventually stopped standing up for myself.”
- Mocking My Interests
“It was easier to let him watch whatever he wanted. If I tried to watch my shows, he’d make fun of them or talk over them. Over time, I just gave in to avoid the conflict.”
- Controlling My Appearance
“He told me how to wear my hair and that I shouldn’t wear short clothes because ‘other people shouldn’t see my body.’ It got to the point where I couldn’t even go out with friends without him making a comment.”
- Emotional Blackmail
“Whenever I needed something or wanted to discuss an issue in our relationship, he’d threaten to kill himself. It became impossible to communicate, and I always ended up feeling like it was my fault.”
- Accusations and Surveillance
“Despite working from home and being with him almost all the time, he would constantly accuse me of cheating. I’d show him my phone, but he’d refuse to look. He wanted to believe I was guilty, regardless of the truth.”
- Gaslighting My Reality
“He claimed all his actions were out of concern for my well-being, but it felt like he was controlling every aspect of my life. I began to lose my sense of reality, unsure if I was the problem or if he was manipulating me.”
- Subtle Emotional Digs
“It wasn’t outright abuse but small comments that slowly chipped away at my self-esteem. These ‘jokes’ weren’t funny—they were domestic abuse, disguised as humor.”
- Silent Surrender
“He rarely told me outright, ‘You’re not allowed to do this,’ but the shaming, fights, and depressive episodes (from him) that followed made doing anything hardly worth it. I stifled myself dramatically just to avoid conflict. I stopped seeing friends and family, stopped wearing nail polish, stopped running, stopped doing hobbies that ‘didn’t make money,’ stopped dressing up, stopped washing my hair regularly, and stopped baking. All these simple things that most people take for granted — I avoided them just to escape his inevitable reaction.”
- Sex and Financial Control
“He used sex as a weapon, withholding it when he was angry or using it to punish me. On top of that, he controlled all the finances, leaving me with no options.”
- Public Shaming
“In front of family and friends, he’d belittle me, call me a servant, and criticize my cooking. It was constant humiliation, but I felt trapped because I had no escape.”
- No Right Choice
“I had a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly and were similar to what other moms wore. But every time I put them on, my husband called me a ‘whore’ and worse. I eventually threw them away, but when he found them, he made a big deal about taking them back, only for the cycle to repeat when I wore them again. It was a constant pattern of shame and manipulation.”
- Jealousy About Male Friends
“I was told in the very beginning that I should not have male friends. He would get mad if I ran into old high school male friends or mentioned a male friend I had known for years. One time, he even moved my chair away from a guy I was sitting next to during a game night with friends because he said I was too close.”
- Dictating My Looks
“At first, he complimented me by saying I didn’t need makeup or hair dye, but that evolved into forbidding me from using them altogether because he wanted me to look worse than him.”
- Constantly Changing the Rules
“Every time I started to feel in control of my life, he’d change the rules. It felt like I was always back at square one, questioning everything I did.”
- Discouraging My Independence
“He discouraged me from applying for jobs, claiming he didn’t want me working with other men. He even controlled my finances, even though I paid most of the bills.”
- Constant Criticism
“I did more than my share of the household chores, but every time I mentioned it, I was told, ‘It’s not a competition.’ He constantly criticized my work, watching over my shoulder, even for tasks I’d done my whole life. After a 12-hour workday, I’d finally sit down, only to be asked why I was resting, as if my exhaustion didn’t matter. Meanwhile, he’d sit after working less hours, but his complaints never stopped. It felt like no matter what I did, it was never enough.”
- Undermining My Self-Worth
“He manipulated everyone around me, including our children, to believe that I was at fault. It felt impossible to escape his control because he’d isolated me from any support.”
- Explosive Reactions
“I was nursing my baby on the couch when my partner got up from bed and started screaming at me because I hadn’t cleared my cereal bowl from the table. He didn’t seem to understand that my baby was the priority at that moment, not tidying up.”
- Invasion of Privacy
“I wasn’t allowed to lock the bathroom door or take time to myself without him barging in, questioning why I needed privacy. If I ever locked the door, he’d make a big scene, saying it was strange or suspicious. He would even find tools to unlock it from the outside, claiming he had to use the bathroom, even though there were other toilets in the house. I wasn’t allowed any peace, and he always found a way to disrupt even my quiet moments.”
- Body Shaming
“He would not let me try a dress in a store and he told me, in front of the salesperson, how my body is not in good enough in shape to try on the dress. It was a maxi dress and would have been fine, but nope! It was the same when I attempted to buy chocolate. He had me return it as though I was a kid.”
How Coercive Control Takes Over Lives
These stories illustrate what coercive control looks like in seemingly small, everyday actions that add up to a life ruled by fear and manipulation. Victims of this type of abuse often find themselves constantly second-guessing their actions and bending to their abuser’s will, just to keep the peace.
One of the most damaging aspects of coercive control is how it gradually takes over a person’s life, isolating them from friends, family, and even their own sense of identity. It can take years for victims to recognize the patterns of control, by which time they may have lost confidence in their ability to make decisions or even know who they are outside of the relationship.
For those experiencing coercive control, it’s important to recognize that these behaviors are forms of domestic abuse, even if they don’t involve physical violence. Emotional and psychological control can be just as devastating, and seeking help is a crucial step in breaking free from the cycle. By sharing their experiences, these survivors shed light on the reality of coercive control, helping others recognize the signs and empowering them to take the first steps toward regaining their independence.
Ivy Barrow
24th August 2025
Reference Sources
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/09612025.2025.2530251
https://academic.oup.com/book/55149/chapter-abstract/424061440?redirectedFrom=fulltext&login=false
https://ebrary.net/176782/health/coercive_control
https://time.com/5610016/coercive-control-domestic-violence/
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/384208564_THE_POLITICS_OF_RESPECTABILITY_AND_CULTURE
https://theestablishment.co/how-abusers-rely-on-shame-to-keep-victims-down-87f2d8b9f57d/index.html
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/1468-4446.12810
https://shadowsofcontrol.com/articles/what-coercive-control-looks-like/